Why You’ll Never Find a Lion in the Rainforest by Chris McTrustry


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Lion
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On the plains of Africa, Bernard, Royal Prince, scratched an ear and yawned.
“I am bored,” he said to Archimedes, the Royal Adviser. “Very bored.”
He waved a lazy paw at a mob of flies buzzing round him. Oh yes, it was all very well being a lion. Everyone knows lions are the kings of the beasts, but unfortunately there can only be one actual king. And that was his older brother.
“Might I suggest a little hunting, sir?” Archimedes said.

“I was thinking of something more king-like.” Bernard looked up at Archimedes. “You’re clever, Archimedes. Surely there must be other places…out there. Places with beasts without a king.”
“Oh yes, sir,” Archimedes said. “But they are very, very, very far away.”
Bernard leapt to his feet. “Right then,” he said. “I’m off!”
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Bird
After a very long journey, Bernard found himself in the gloomy green world of the Amazon rainforest. At first, because it appeared to be deserted, he thought he was all alone.
“What good is it being King of the Beasts, if you have no subjects?” he muttered. Then he gasped as the rainforest floor… moved!
Suddenly, a large, colourful bird swooped down before Bernard.
“Watch out for that viper,” the bird squawked. “Its bite is deadly.”
Bernard gnashed his teeth and gave a small roar.
“So is mine,” he said, proudly.
The bird settled on a vine, just above Bernard.
“So your bite is poisonous, eh?” she said.
“Poisonous!” Bernard cried and leapt back. After the viper slithered by, he looked up at the bird. “Thank you.”
“Not at all,” the bird said. “You should watch out for the boas, too.”
“Poisonous?” said Bernard.
“Oh no,” the bird said. “They squuuueeeeeeeze you to death.”
“W-wonderful,” Bernard whimpered.
“I’m Tania Toucan,” the bird said.
“I am Bernard,” Bernard said in a regal voice. “Your new king.”
“What’s a king?” said a voice above Bernard.
Bernard craned his neck back and scanned the thick green undergrowth.
“Hello?” he said. “Is someone up there?”
There was a very loud laugh and a dark, hairy figure swung through the twisted vines and flapping leaves.

MonkeyA large monkey dropped gracefully onto the forest floor.
“Hello, Marcello,” Tania Toucan squawked. “How’s the family?”
The monkey put his hands to his head. “The young ones have just discovered why we’re called howler monkeys,” he groaned. “I’ve got a non-stop headache.”
Bernard cleared his throat.
“Don’t forget your king, my subjects,” he said patiently. “You must give all of your attention to me.“
“Who made you king?” Marcello asked.
“I did,” Bernard said.
“What will the other cats in the jungle say?” Marcello said. “I don’t think the jaguars will be very pleased, or the ocelots. They can both get rather…nasty.”
“So can I,” Bernard said, darkly. “Now, I saw a nice cool river near here. I’d like you to fetch me some water, Mr Monkey.”
Not on your nelly ,” Marcello said. “The river is full of piranha.”
Bernard was puzzled. “And piranha are…?
“Fish.”
“Is that all?”
“Listen, pal,” Marcello said. “A cat your size would be a very tasty meal for a family of piranha. Me? Huh. I’d hardly be a snack.”
“That’s true,” Tania said.


GLOSSARY
  • Subjects - the people that a king or queen rules over.
  • Viper - a small poisonous snake.
  • Gnash (your teeth) - to rub your teeth against each other so they make a noise to show you are angry or unhappy.
  • Whimper - to make low crying sounds.
  • Regal - relating to a king or queen.
  • Not on your nelly - an old-fashioned way of saying ‘definitely not going to do something’.

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